Dear Kevin, I know remembering things is not your forte, e.g., my cat’s birthday (Bastille Day, totally easy) and the anniversary of us starting this site (back when it was mostly just my pervy ASCII art “published” exclusively in your .sig file). But maybe you’ll recall my four-point-five review of Virgil’s Root Beer and how it concluded, as everything in my life does, with flaccid ambiguity. Cliffs Notes: I’d thought Virgil’s was the best root beer ever, but then I revisited it after a couple years and couldn’t help but wonder about my previous favorite: Henry Weinhard’s. In that review I vowed to score some Henry’s ay-sap and make the final call and then I quickly proceeded to not do anything of the kind.
But then yesterday I find myself in a ski resort town in Colorado (don’t ask) — wretchedly parched, as usual — and amble into some deli to pick up a Vitamin Water or off-brand apple juice or whatever three-dollar travesty they have stocked in the fridge, and what do I see but Henry’s. (Plus Henry’s Black Cherry which — well, no spoilers or anything but great jumping jesus more on that later.) And my heart thrilled a little bit upon seeing the familiar old bottle (not that heart-thrillings are anything out of the ordinary for someone of my age and alcohol-dependency but omg still!). But nevertheless I hesitated because I really just wanted something to slake my thirst, not a deluxxxe rootbeer w/all the trimmings.
But momma didn’t raise no fool (technically I was raised by the state) so I bought the Henry’s and popped the cap (featuring an olde tyme gent w/beard proclaiming — as if reading my mind — “MMM my favorite!”) and took a sip and was all: Hey guess what. Compared to this, Virgil’s tastes like sad failure laced with dirty pennies.
This beverage is nasty and shameless in its pursuit of pleasing me. It’s almost embarrassing. It degrades itself to satisfy my every disgusting whim. It lays on the honey and vanilla and it’s thick and sweet and rich and ultra-creamy. It’s basically a meal in itself. It’s flat-out hardcore.
Virgil’s may be a purer root beer, but Henry’s is exactly what I want. For me, sitting here, just a man with a man’s courage, it is the finest root beer available over-the-counter, and QED one of the finest beverages available today.
Five stars, G. No joke. I know I said I was going to save the fiver for The Ultimate Beverage, the one that would finally end my wretched quest and make this site obsolete, but I already gave Virgil’s a 4.5 and Henry’s totally ousts that with extreme prejudice. It’s a hall-of-famer and any haters can just call me at 1-800-YOUR-MOTHER’S-HOUSE and get a clop in chops from yrs truly, absolutely free of charge.