Snapple White Teas

Recently Snapple has burst–nay, arabesqued–into the marketplace with a new series of white teas. Such a display can mean only one thing: that the white tea craze was over 10 minutes ago. But still, I know what you’re thinking: you hear “Snapple” and “healthy” and “refreshing” and you think: surely, drinking this would be nothing short of magical, like if Tinkerbell–yes the Tinkerbell–came to your house, and she fluttered up above you as you tilted your head back, and she uncupped her hands, letting fall a gentle spray of angel tears, in all the colors of the rainbow, to noiselessly alight upon your tongue. At which point she would offer you the happy ending for $5 extra. Honestly, the mouth on her.

But yeah this is nothing like that. I took a sip, there was clearly something in my mouth, and I was wondering if the flavor had fallen down the front of my shirt. Basically they’re just charging extra for weak tea. It doesn’t involve sexual innuendo from Disney characters, like, at all.

4 thoughts on “Snapple White Teas”

  1. But Kevin, white tea is weak by definition! The flavor is there but it’s subtle. It’s meant to be rolled around the tongue and slowly sipped. This is the drink that’s redeemed my faith in the Snapple corporation, a faith that went out the window along with Wendy the Mailroom Lady and that little slave ship they used to keep on the labels.

  2. You know when the Doctor tells you to drink plenty of fluid? This is the stuff he’s talking about. In fact, it shouldn’t be called White Tea. It should just be called Fluid. And not as a hip product name that will appeal to Generation W/E but rather as a description of exactly what it is. I know a guy who puts it in the artificial wombs he uses in his cloning experiments.

  3. hmmm… yes well fluids and sex aside, I still think that Arizona has the monopoly on good tasting tea beverages and other companies should only compete if they’re going to put a little effort into it, but come on you cant beat green tea with asian plum, its beautiful, and by the way arizona is also and excellent chaser for vodka.

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