OK you’ve been all bragging about how every time you go to the store you’re mesmerized by all the exciting new options, overwhelmed by the magical rainbow cornucopia of blah blah at that point I stop listening. But at my store you get 2-liter torpedoes of generic pineapple soda and then the monolithic Wall of Snapple. The only new beverages that appear on a regular basis are energy drinks, and energy drinks make me feel all tense and unwashed like I’m trapped in Sid & Nancy.
But I found nothing else interesting this week so I picked up the smallest energy drink I could: Upshot. And in fact its smallness is the gimmick: “More Power. Less Liquid.” It comes in a little airplane-booze-sized bottle and is meant to be knocked back in a single manly shot. It’s basically saying: Do not drink this for the flavor unless you heart disappointment. Drink it for the RUSH.
I opted for mocha flavor since I had such a good experience with the Bolthouse Mocha last week. OK let’s get to it, Kylie. It smells like a White Russian. I am hopeful! And it kind of tastes like a White Russian, too! Except I guess the jagged little aftertaste is not vodka but PhytoXan™ (a proprietary blend of plant-based methylxanthines, theobromine, theophyline, guarana seed extract, etc.). I feel good, broseph. I can see into the souls of my co-workers. I am understanding the interconnectedness of all things. My pores are opening. I am casting aside the ancient, crumbling mores that have been imposed upon me and embracing a new worldview based on hugs. I love you, man. I love your pretty little face.
Bleh, the flavor is worsening. I should’ve just chugged it as instructed. I feel like one leg is shorter than the other. I feel like a yucky caterpillar crawled into my mouth while I was asleep in a dank basement and it defecated shortly before passing on from this world to the next.