My World Tour of Sodas Of That Are More Popular Than Coke In Certain Countries makes its second (and final) stop today, with Scotland’s IRN-BRU. I was looking forward to this because it’s got a punchy, bad-ass name, and the can declaims “ORIGINAL AND BEST,” which is the sort of no-nonsense, declarative hyperbolization I respond best to.
The smell immediately reminded me of Inca Kola, so maybe I’m completely losing it, or maybe there’s actual science at play here, I don’t know. But anyways don’t worry because the taste is nothing like Inca. Unfortunately the taste is somewhat flummoxing, and thanks to the limits of the English language, you’re not going to like how I describe it. It’s basically a plain, sugary flavor, with like a light, cumulative orange melody playing somewhere in the background. Imagine if you will a watered-down orange soda, without the water-y taste. Or a lightly-carbonated version of the orange drink you got a soccer games in elementary school. You never scored one goal, did you. I’m sorry.
In summation, Irn-Bru is original and curiously engaging without actually being good, and I’m hard-pressed to figure out why the good people of Scotland prefer it to Coke. [Gonzalo, please insert a joke about haggis here.]
I’m sure we can now look forward to a flurry of outraged comments from the kind of blindly-devoted groupthinker this sort of “kooky” off-brand drink is likely to engender. Welcome Juggalos, and readers of McSweeney’s.