Snapple What-a-Melon

So just now I was in the office kitchen, about to buy another g-d damned Sunkist from the vending machine when I see an unfamiliar label amongst the two rows that are devoted to Snapple. The bottle is turned away so I can’t quite make out all the details and I’m leaning in close trying to see what was what. Some wage ape comes in to wash marketing blood off his hands and says “Hi Josh!!” and I say: “Shut up! SHUT UP!!! MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE BOTH A NEW SNAPPLE FLAVOR AND YOUR CEASELESS CHIT-CHAT!!!!!” Finally I make out the name: What-a-Melon. What-a-Melon. I am not lying. It’s Watermelon Snapple. It is mentioned nowhere on the Snapple site. A cursory search turns up only a handful of results, all on teenagers’ weblogs. What is the deal.

So I gave a shot in the name of science. And while I would never consciously choose to drink Snapple What-a-Melon again, and in fact I probably won’t even finish this bottle, and in fact feel a little sick, I have to admit it’s much more subtle and refreshing than expected. I’d assumed it would taste like liquid Watermelon Bubblicious, that keystone of my youth, all super-sugary and thick, but in fact it tastes more like actual watermelon juice, i.e., mostly water. And, of course, that sweet elixir known as high fructose corn syrup. Like Lou Reed said: “It’s my wife and it’s my life.”