Italian Volcano Blood Orange Juice

Italian Volcano Blood Orange Juice. Orange juice made from Italian Volcano Blood. Mount Etna, dude. Pompeii. Complete carnage. A city frozen and buried in time, its treasures lost for eons. This is not some shit to be trifled with. This is fucking lava juice. This is a juice that many men died to bring you. Many burly, muscular men. Men who do not speak so much as grunt. Men who do not ask politely but simply brush you aside and take what they want. Men with sweaty foreheads and a lot of chest hair. Like, A LOT a lot of chest hair. So much chest hair that at first you think “Wow that is gross!” but then you find that you keep thinking about it, and you’re unable to stop yourself from imagining what it would feel like, to lie on it and run your fingers through it, all tufted and pillowy, such a soft and delicate counterpoint to this absolute musky brute of a man, until finally you think “Wow I think I would like to be intimate with a man that hairy!” I mean am I right or am I right? That is the emotion behind this juice. Taste-wise it’s still right in line with regular old orange juice, but STILL. It is a Juice of Men. Drink this juice and then get your comb, because it will be a LONG night. And then tomorrow you will have to hand-vac all in and around the bed, probably. There will be hair everywhere. Actually I bet it’s kind of a gross situation in the shower drain, too. But still. Drink deep of the Lava juice, my friend. You now have within you the fiery blood and aged spirit of Italian volcanoes, and they will fortify you for the task at hand. Also: check your MySpace, I sent you a picture of me with my shirt off. Tell me what you think, and be honest. I know I need to lift weights more.

6 thoughts on “Italian Volcano Blood Orange Juice”

  1. And also I don’t know if I’d want to drink the juice of trees fertilized by the ashen remains of tens of thousands of people, so maybe it’s just as well.

  2. most trees are fertilized by decomposed organisms, if not all. just drink the juice.

  3. >most trees are fertilized by decomposed organisms, if not all. just drink the juice.
    soylent blood orange is made from people!

  4. I’m 2 months behind, but shit…I just found you. OMG I just laughed until fat little tears squeezed out of my eyes. I’m going to the beauty supply store to buy a comb, and then I’m going to find me a hairy man…and I am going to pour this juice onto his chest and lick it off as it runs in rivulets down his chest. Then I will stand back and smile as the juice glistens on the tips of his chest hairs. Maybe I won’t but dammit YOU put that picture in my head!

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