Josh do you remember the time I had that coconut drink with all the moist chunks in it? What about do you remember the time I had the coconut drink that spit in my mouth? FORGET ALL THOSE TIMES because I have a new coconut beverage.
What is it about coconut, I wonder. It keeps luring me back with the promise of virgin tropics and a life free from worry. In my quiet moments, I don’t actually consider myself to be a coconut person. I don’t like the sun or the beach. I don’t care for the outdoors, or for “weather”. I don’t find myself in the produce section thinking Hey, I should eat a coconut. I even remember the one time I had actual coconut– it was 10 years ago. Some friends thought it would be fun to bring one to a picnic, but neglected to bring any kind of useful tools to open it with. Someone spent 10 minutes smashing it furiously against the corner of a picnic table until it burst into a million pieces, all of which landed on the dirty ground. And after all that, it wasn’t even good! Did you know that actual coconut tastes nothing like the shredded stuff you find in candy bars and cakes? I know! I think that was the afternoon I perfected my half-hearted smile, and resolved to seek out new friends. And you know how that turned out for me.
So I have a complicated relationship with coconut. Because still, the idea of coconut manages to inhabit. Luckily I am not a dude who dwells unnecessarily on the past, letting it color his modern, waking life, because otherwise I would not have allowed this beverage to seduce me.
It tasted EXACTLY like I wanted. It was lovely and coconuty, sweet and bubbly. I could chill with this on a long evening, regaling others with tales of youthful folly and friends I no longer care to associate with. This beverage is sitting in the air-conditioned lobby in the hotel by the beach, rather than sitting on the sand, under the sun, sweating and dying.
For some people, smashing a coconut against the corner of a picnic table, then crouching in the grass while brushing the dirt and bugs off the exploded shards, is a fine way to spend an afternoon. As for me, I like someone wearing white cotton gloves to pour a beverage such as this into a coconut and then hand it to me, before trotting off to turn the a/c up just a titch. I guess that’s why you and I are such good friends. Cheers.