Stay up all kinds of late. Pudding for lunch AND dinner. Clean underwear totally optional. Drink as much soda as you want, when you want. Who’s with me: being an adult is awesome. OH WAIT OR IS IT? Your lower back basically hurts all the time, you have no clue what that noise on the radio is, you can’t remember the last time you had anything interesting to write about on your blog, and every bowel movement is written in sweat across your brow.
Enter GuS, or Grown-Up Soda, to provide the perfect accompaniment to the end days of your existence on this planet. GuS is about as un-fun as a soda could possibly get, but let’s face it, at your age maybe it’s all you deserve.
The label says “Not too sweet,” but I’d describe it as “Not at all sweet.” Many sodas, when they want to want to seem more mature, get fruit juice involved. This is why you see apple and grape juices listed as an ingredient in basically everything: it allows them to bump their fruit juice percentage (and appear healthier), while also making the drink sweeter. Not GuS Dry Cranberry Lime. Basically it’s just plain cranberry with some water. This combination of ingredients has been clinically proven to suppress smiling, ask any scientist. There’s a little bit of lime in there, but it’s really only there to remind you what a complete ass you made of yourself the last time you had a margarita. I couldn’t even think of what alcohol I would want to mix this with. That’s a sign of trouble, right there, on a number of levels.
But no, best leave the drinking to the high school kids. For you it’s a quiet night in the house–just you, a salad, and a vague distrust of Youtube. Twist open another GuS. It’s the sound of your hopes, dreams, memory and prostate all throwing in the towel.