Oh stop it, don’t look at me like that. I patronize my local independent coffee shops PLENTY, I assure you. And besides Starbucks–on its own–has given me a lifetime’s worth of reasons to regret ever going there, so you can worry a little less about what I do with my time and worry a little more about whether you’re ever going to post another review YES I DID JUST GO THERE.
Anyways, presented herewith, reasons why I regret going to Starbucks (this time):
1) They have never handed me a drink that wasn’t sticky, and this was no exception. Oh my God. Dogg you know sticky for me is Very Bad. You know about my problems. I mean I always have hand sanitizer at the ready, but sticky is different from regular dirty, you know? Harder to get off. It usually have to go through my Cleanliness Ritual twice to get back to normal.
2) The straw they gave me had far too slim a diameter for a drink this icy. People, it’s 2006: frozen drinks require a thicker straw. Soon we will all be walking around with our genitals in our necks.
3) The blackberry is kind of a joke, just a little sugar syrup they put on top there. What’s with giving it top billing?
4) Also why does Starbucks automatically put whipped cream on everything. I know I should have realized, but it didn’t even occur to me to say “No whipped cream.” Who in their right mind thinks whipped cream tastes good with green tea? I know, people who go to Starbucks, shut up. It made no sense, and the flavors completely contradicted each other. And it’s already a cream-based drink. Adding whipped cream takes what is already the antithesis of a refreshing summer drink and paints “666” across its forehead.
The only good thing I can say is that the matcha flavor was fairly strong, which is a huge improvement over last year’s Green Tea Frappuccino, which for some reason was cut with melon flavoring. Melon. The most good-for-nothing fruit since pears.
Anyways I gave up on this early, sick of trying to get the drink to cooperate with the straw. Plus man was it heavy. I knew that once I got outside in the weather I’d feel as though I just ate a whole jar of mayonnaise. And when I got home, that’s exactly what I did.