Soda Fight

Have you noticed that people who have a favorite root beer will fight and die defending its honor? I’m talking up-in-arms, straight buckwylin’, will fuck you UP if you disparage their root beer.

I intend no obloquy towards root beer lovers, so tenderly do I embrace the newness of living. But it kind of reminds me of a another group I feel no warmth towards: the people at restaurants who are all “I’ll have a Coke!” and then the waiter says “Is Pepsi okay?” and the people are all “Eww gross no way I’ll just have water.”

I don’t get their angle. I mean I understand having preferences, (as you know I’m quite happy to spend hours on end debating the relative merits of Dr Pepper vs Mr Pibb) but come on. Life is way too short. Why get all huffy about wanting Coke when there’s only Pepsi, or wanting Pepsi when there’s only Coke? How about cultivate an interest in a different flavor? There’s lots! And how about not taking your corporate allegiances so seriously?

It’s like a strange kind of proletarian elitism, where people feel embarrassed about the fact that they can’t tell a Merlot from a Shiraz, and have to take it out on the kid working the counter at Burritoville.

Besides which, it’s all academic: anyone with any culture knows that Royal Crown is the best cola. I mean duh.

Sanpellegrino Aranciata

Man alive. People have been all at me to drink some Aranciata. The kids seem to love it. I was wary, because I’ve been burned by the good folks at San Pellegrino before. I don’t drink coffee or coffee-flavored beverages, but I like to hang out at a coffee shop as much as the next total loser. And every time I go to a coffee shop, I look at the beverages available for purchase and think “Hmm, what would be tasty and refreshing?” And because I have the memory retention of my grandfather (who’s dead), I’m always all “Limonata! Boy that looks awesome!” And it’s totally not. It’s probably the least refreshing drink on the market today. It’s sour and syrupy and totally…bad. (What’s a synonym for bad? Ah yes: wickedly bad.)

So I’d just as soon not get fooled again, but if nothing else, I’m a completist. So: I try the Aranciata. First of all, talk about poncey, have you seen the bottle this stuff comes in? Ar-NANCY-ata, more like! Hotcha!

(Please take a moment to finish laughing. When you have collected yourself, you may continue on to the next paragraph.)

I cannot front. My initial reaction was: HFC [Holy Fucking Crap –ed.] this shit is good! No complaints in the taste department. It’s light and airy. It’s not too sweet. The orange is dazzling and does pirouettes on your tongue like a little ballerina for minutes afterwards. And it’s actually thirst-quenching, which is weird for a carbonated beverage. If you were stranded in the desert and totally parched, well, I guess you should probably try to get your hands on some water. But say you only had access to a cream soda and an Aranciata, definitely go with the Aranciata. It’s like a very rich man’s Orangina, but therein lies the problem. I purchased it from two different locations. Both times it cost $1.35 for 6.5 fl oz’s! That is ridiculously expensive. For that kind of cash outlay there better be a genie in the bottle, and she better love to give handjobs.

Sadly that was not the case. Luckily I was able to administer my own, albeit with some difficulty.

Snapple Lime Green Tea

So the other day you were all down on yourself for choking on your Snapple selection. You were considering the Lime Green Tea but at the last minute went with the safe bet instead, Kris’ Half and Half. And I said: “It’s fine, don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t miss anything.”

But then afterwards I was thinking about it like, “Dag, am I right?” Because I only tried it once, and I don’t remember liking it, but who knows. Wasn’t that the same morning that bratty kid from next door trampled my impatiens? I had to chase him with a rake. Afterwards I could not tell my blood from his. I mean who knows what external stuff was affecting my outlook that day.

So today I busted it on down to the Mobilmart (they actually have one of the best soda and juice selections on this side of town, and are to be commended) and bought another bottle. Oh man, I’m here to tell you: I screwed the pooch.

It is AWESOME. It is AOK and SFG [So Freaking Good -ed.]. This is a tea for a refined palate. It’s not overly sweet, which is a problem with a lot of the fruitier teas. The lime is subtle and you can feel that green tea just sliding down like silver. I only bought one, but if I’da bought three, I would have dranken all three in quick succession.

If you put a gun to my head, I would say: “It’s easily in the top 5 Snapple flavors.” And then if you cocked the hammer I’d be like: “TOP THREE! TOP THREE! OH MY GOD I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! SWEET MARY MCGILLICUDDY I CHOOSE LIFE!” and there’d be a big stain down the front of my trousers, but it would all be worth it. Yes it’s that good.

Holmes, absolve me and right this wrong. Try the Lime Green Tea. If you don’t I will chase you with the rake, god as my witness, you son of a bitch.