Vita Coco

Aiiiiiieeeeee why do I even bother. Even though I’d already completely besmirched the name of this drink in the asides, when I came upon it in the wild, I allowed myself to get all curious and intrigued despite myself. Because god damn it, where I come from coconut + pineapple = piƱa colada, and that is the kind of solid beverage a man can hang his Kangol on, nephew.

But no, my previous complaints about Zico are still valid: God or Science or whoever has not taken my advice and re-engineered natural coconut water flavor, it still tastes like complete saliva ass. At least in this case it’s a little sweeter and more fruity than Zico, like tongue-kissing Carmen Miranda, maybe. OMG YOU GUYS did I just make a Carmen Miranda reference on the internet? God, what year is it. No one will have any idea what I’m talking about, and I’m too lazy to think of a more inspired simile.

Well while I’m showing my age, I will also tell a related anecdote from my personal life. The other day my 4-year-old was doing something, I don’t know what, maybe playing video games?, when suddenly he stopped and looked off into the middle distance for a moment and then turned to me and said: “Everyone’s slobber tastes the same.”

Which: YES. And coconut water tastes like everyone’s slobber, although it will apparently take me a lifetime to learn this lesson.

PS. Confidential to Josh: This comes in a Tetra Pak, which I know gets you all boney maronie.

4 thoughts on “Vita Coco”

  1. *Shudder* I don’t know about THAT brand but the coconut juice we get at the mexican stores is, . . . god it’s just, I don’t know. I think you’ve got it pretty good with the whole slobber thing.
    And the Mexican stuff has little peices of “actual coconut!” mixed in so it kind of turns out like a slobbery-puke consistency.
    *Gag* Mexicans are weird, God love their food but stay away from anything liquid that is not tequila.

  2. I had a friend who lived in Brazil for awhile, and when he came back he couldn’t stop talking about the coconut water. Apparently Brazilians don’t just drink it, they use it in their hair and on their skin? Maybe?

  3. How does your son know this already? I was 19 before I found out (down by the old canal bridge after a big orienteering meetup).

  4. The only yummy coconut water is straight from a chilled coconut, right in the actual coconut. The rest is phony and plastic-y and well, much worse than dog saliva. Also, coconut water has an incredibly short shelf life so it starts tasting funky rapidly.

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