Odwalla PomaGrand

Mis-tah F! Where do you stand on pomegranates. I’m wondering. I remember some children-of-hippies getting one in their lunchboxes back at my hippie elementary school. They’d pick out the little seeds and eat them and to someone like me, who was a straight-shooting, missionary-style Capri Sun–drinker, it all seemed pretty exotic. And creepy. And a little unamerican. Not to mention the whole thing about Hades getting Persephone to eat a handful of pomegranate seeds and QED that’s why we have winter every year. So thanks tons for that. There’s just this wretched aura of menace around this so-called fruit.

Of course then I learn the terrible truth about grenadine, and then Pom Wonderful comes out, and now everyone’s got to get on this pomegranate drink bandwagon because of the polyphenols and the antioxidants and the jibba jabba. And I’m all: Let’s talk flavor. You know me. You know how I live. And I tried that Pom drink a while back and it tasted like being molested.

So I’m going to give this Odwalla version a spin. Odwalla and I go way back to the dotcom boom days where we all got as much of it as we could store in our taut, tawny bellies. They’re late to the pomegranate game but now have a few versions out. I thought I picked up the pure, straight-up, no-bull just-pomegranate variety but even this one is “enhanced with wild berry extract” in order to cut the flavor. And the starburst on the label says “GREAT TASTE!” because they know that we know that pomegranate juice has serious Issues.

Anyway let’s knock back some of this “PomaGrand.” Hm. It took like three sips before it even registered. It’s almost like it’s all aftertaste. I’m all: Did I just drink something? And then I notice this sort of bitter, grape juice-y kind of vibe floating around in my sinuses. And I’m even thirstier than when I started. I feel like something’s been smuggled into my system without my say-so. Where are — where the hell are my oxidants going? MY OXIDANTS. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE I NEED YOU–

I don’t want to finish this. I guess if you bought into the whole pomegranate brainwashing thing this is a good way to get it into your body but I’m done. F U HADES.