Celsius

You know better than anyone that energy drinks and I have a troubled past. Bloodshot eyes, heart palpitations, amateur karate competitions, god complexes, picnic, lightning, etc. I’m just not the target audience. I long ago hung up my extreme parachute and developed secondary sexual characteristics.

But my lucrative job as a Junior Bevolologist [sic] requires me to sample every drink I come across. And these days you can’t drunkenly stagger into a convenience store shrieking obscenities and grabbing handfuls of pep vitamins without running into a wall of energy drinks.

This brings me to Celsius, which not only plies you with the caffeine and guarana seed that your body so desperately needs, but also promises to raise your metabolism by 12% and “significantly increase calorie burning for three hours.” This has been proven by science.

For someone like me who enjoys nothing better than drinking and watching his gut slowly expand, this sounded like the perfect beverage. I tried the lemon-lime Celsius, and even though the flavor was not unlike that of a household cleanser or urinal cake, I didn’t care because my metabolism was going ape and the ladies were appreciatively eyeing my very slightly diminished waistline. Science tastes like shit, but isn’t that sort of the point?