Naked Blue Machine

Imagine a blueberry pie shaped like a pair of brass knuckles.

I took one sip of this and my brain immediately took me to a place where I was tied to a chair in a dingy back room, being worked over by some mafia bruiser. Except the mafia guy looked exactly like Blackie Lawless. Which, it’s too bad he and I had to be on opposing sides like that, because there are just so many questions I’d always wanted to ask him if we ever met, you know? Blackie fucking Lawless.

Anyways. Blackie was working me over, absolutely tearing into me, one blueberry punch to the gut after another. Just relentless. Blood and sweat and blueberry juice everywhere. A merciless god of glam metal and mafia-dom.

It’s a heavy drink, and it took me to a dark and dangerous place. Blueberry is just trouble, anywhere. There aren’t a lot of blueberry juices and sodas, you’ll notice. It just doesn’t fucking translate, man. It’s too thick and muscular of a flavor. It’s the Scott Caan’s neck of all flora. Some smoothie places will try to sell you on the blueberry-strawberry combo, or blueberry-raspberry. Pay no heed to that nonsense. The blueberry just pounces on any other flavor in there with a nasty tolchok to the gulliver. All you get is blueberry cement forcing its way down your throat. You’re coming up for air after each sip.

There’s some language on the Blue Machine bottle that it’s been carefully formulated to cheer you up if you’re feeling “blue”. This was not the case for me, and I’ve had heck of depression lately. Work stuff, mostly. But these blueberries were just sucking the life force right out of me, and meanwhile I’m in for 30 large to King Diamond, like I need any additional stress.

7 thoughts on “Naked Blue Machine”

  1. I love Blue Machine! But then again I am a blueberry addict (I can polish off a pint in one sitting). For a not-so-bruising blueberry drink, try TrueBlue, a juice I found at my local grocery store. I can gulp that stuff.

  2. Blueberries are my favorite berry, and they might also be my favorite fruit, but I’m not too aware of the definitions. (The tomato situation, after all?) Izze has a blueberry soda, but I can’t remember what I thought. (Drank it in a Target.) What I had recently that I loved, though, was Knudsen’s “Mango Fandango” (ahem) spritzer (double ahem). Have got to try the rest of that product line. And yes: It’s no added sugar, no HFCS.

  3. I’ve found most people don’t realize that blueberries shouldn’t be used as a food product. Blueberries are good when you run out of paintballs and you’ve still got a couple hours left in your 24-Hour PSG. They also come in handy for body painting when playing a Pictish or Braveheart PSG.

  4. I second TrueBlue. The Blueberry Green Tea is the best one. Stay away from the Blueberry Pomegranate though.

  5. You know, I avoided this all week at he beverage store because you gave it a bad review. Finally, last Friday there was only Blue Machine’s left in the cooler (apparently everyone else had read you review also). So I put on my man pants and I bit the bullet and so on. Not only did I love Blue Machine as much as I love the rest of the Naked flavors, I devoured it. Maybe your tastebuds just aren’t man enough.

  6. This is a drink that is more like a meal….and chock full of anti-oxidants.
    I love it along with the venerable Green Machine. I drink one of each every day.

  7. While I have been a strawberry girl my entire life, I can’t help myself when it comes to Blue Machine!
    I drink (read: chug) one every lunch and it’s absolutely refreshing! Although don’t hurt yourself on first consumption… this IS a heavy drink and not for the faint of stomach.
    Perfect for the energy lift you need after a tough gym session

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