SoBe Cranberry-Grapefruit

I pretty much never ever drink SoBe juices. This bias is mainly the result of their lame-ass package design. The bottles are clunky, inelegant behemoths which are no fun to look at or hold. The lizard logo looks like a picture you’d see on the wall of the world’s dorkiest tattoo artist. The brushed metal bottle cap is a nod to Rosie the Riveter? I guess? And besides all of which, if I could get past the package design, which I cannot, most of the juices come in really disgusting colors based on the vomit rainbow of tan, pink, white, yellow, and brownish-green.

But my brother was in town the other day and he swore up and down that the Cranberry-Grapefruit beverage was all that and then some, so fine, whatever, I plunked down the buck-fifty and wheeled the huge-ass bottle out on a dolly.

One sip.

I figured this would be the puckeriest juice ever, what with cranberries plus grapefruits. But it wasn’t. I tasted a fair share of grapefruit, but nothing in the way of cranberry. So I turned the bottle over to read the ingredients. Sure enough, way down on the list, there was cranberry juice, right next to….cochineal extract!

Down, down the drain it goes! Swim away, little SoBe juice lizards! I send you back to the hellmouth from which you spawned.

In conclusion: if you can tell from the package design that the people running the company are a bunch of fucking idiots, then keep in mind that those same idiots are the ones mixing the ingredients.