Fuze Mixed Berry Refresh

OK, Mister Fuze Shill, I picked up two bottles of this alleged fairy-nectar, allowing a tiny ray of hope to penetrate my blackened heart. I popped open the Agave Cactus Replenish (and after weeks of Snapple, it was sort of disconcerting to open a bottle without a plastic seal around the lid — I felt that Fuze did not have my safety as its top priority) early in the day, before life’s various and complex flavors tumbled into my soul, cluttering the purity of the experience.

My reaction was: slow nodding at the subtle, refreshing, unique flavor. Then: stroking my chin as I idly wonder if I’m maybe drinking some kind of all-natural hair gel. Finally: wishing I had some fresh spring water to wash away the subtle, unique aftertaste. In sum: serviceable, but isn’t life too short for “serviceable”? That is not a rhetorical question; my whole life has been spent consuming merely serviceable products — it’s part of my God-given right as an American — but maybe there’s more out there?

Or maybe the problem, as reader TC has repeatedly pointed out, is my alarming dependence on High Fructose Corn Syrup, which the Agave Cactus does not contain, instead opting for the dubious “Crystalline Fructose,” which I think is a) responsible for the aftertaste, and b) probably not even FDA-approved.

As for the second bottle, the Mixed Berry Refresh, I couldn’t get past the first sip. This was a “milk-based smoothie” which came as an unpleasant surprise since I was expecting something light and translucent, like the cactus. But Fuze’s dramatic, show-offy wrap-around label prevented me from seeing the cloudiness of the liquid within. I’ve got no problem with milk-based smoothies, certainly, but I reserve the term “smoothie” for something with at least a little ice involved somewhere. This stuff tasted exactly like Mixed Berry Yoplait, so the experience was like knocking back big healthy chugs of runny yogurt. I may or may not have been near tears by that point.

Still, I’m not writing off Fuze just yet. I’m intrigued by the Peach Mango “smoothie,” now that I’m ready for it, and maybe one of the teas, or that Orange-Carrot (which promises to improve my “focus”). I’ve yet to come across an Orange-Carrot that’s failed to deliver. Something.