Fuze Mojo Mango

On the day that same-sex marriages are legal in the United States, I’m going to ask the Fuze Corporation to be my husband. I will wear a Vera Wang dress with a princess waist. Entertainment at the reception will be provided by the lovely Miss Vinia Mojica. And on the honeymoon I will let Fuze tie me to the bed and have his tasty, juicy way with me.

This week I tried Mojo Mango. I really just wanted to have another go at the Agave Cactus, but in the interest of science, et cetera, I sallied forth to uncharted territory. Now: unlike you, I’ve had mango juice before. Straight-up it’s very sweet and thick and not really my favorite. I might even say “mucousy.” It’s great as a mixer, but not so great on its lonesome. So I wasn’t sure what I was in for.

But dang, man. Why did I even doubt. The good people at Fuze just get me, on a deep and wonderful emotional level. They make products that say: “Here. Here is the beauty you dream about every night but forget each morning with the rising of the sun. You forget because the dream is too lovely, and life is so painful. Wandering in the harsh light of day, searching for a flavor that only existed in your dreams, your soul would be torn asunder. But here. It is a new day. Come into our arms and let us hold you and rock you and slowly sing you awake.”

And so it was that I held the bottle aloft, tilted my head back, and a stream of beautiful and delicate little fairies flew into my mouth and gently bathed my tongue with their mango tears.

It was not too sweet. It was not too syrupy. I kept thinking: I’m going to wake up any second. No way is this real. Any minute now the alarm will ring, or the sky will turn into Cookie Monster and admonish me for not doing my homework, and I will know that none of this is real.

But nothing like that happened. When I finished drinking, I just stood there, blinking back the wonderment, and the little fairies hovered nearby, patiently awaiting my reaction. “Someone pinch me!” I said. And one of the fairies swooped down and in a little squeaky voice said “Rarrr!” before biting me on the knuckle with her little fairy teeth.

And I examined the teensy little bite mark on my knuckle, and I started laughing, and the fairies starting laughing, and we all just laughed and laughed and laughed.